::disclaimer::
writing this with 6 hours of sleep in the last two days - not all at the same time


I've been meaning to sit down and muddle through and pour out my thoughts on my time this past summer on sl. You see that during the summer I tend to be on quite a bit - well let me rephrase that - This particular summer I spent too much time in secondlife -lol- I had no job - no responsibilities - and lots of free time - I said no job so thus no money.....


I started out thinking/wondering if I could really make secondlife my summer job. I don't build.....I thought maybe if I had enough dj gigs how much linden could I really make. Well of course there was also the fact that I bought a house - then had to furnish it -lol- put some things out in the yard - etc etc etc - buy new clothes .....However; I did transfer a total of 30,000 linden to my paypal account - finally figured out how to do that properly ......(Mental side note: makes sure to show a certain someone my appreciation for that .....again - grinz )


So you might be thinking that my time on sl was beneficial and I will agree that roughly $100 out of a game in which I only put in $5 is a pretty good return. (Didn't realize that LL wouldn't let me sell lindens until I had bought some - otherwise I wouldn't have ever bought anything)

Did I get anything else besides the monetary return???? That is highly debatable.......

I didn't really learn anything I hadn't known before ...........working in clubs on sl is all about popularity and nothing really do about skill - So I not only was a dj - I even was a host - and was a dancer (for those of you that are not familiar with sl thats a stripper lol)

I've been told I am good dj - (I have a hard time accepting that when no one shows up to my gigs from my friends list and its a hit or miss how many show up to my gigs from the clubs vip groups.) Been told I have a good dj voice - I would agree with that. I haven't found my groove though. Seems many dj's have a "nitch" something to make them stand out - unique quality - this is no big surprise to me that I haven't found that because it is very much how I am in reality as well. I hate being boxed in to a idea or label or nitch so to speak - I take ideas from other dj's I admire/look up to and incorporate that into my sets. I'm always trying new things - new music - new gimmicks .....so yah I suppose I'm just me......

Ok so for some brutal honesty party - My biggest pet peeve and I have yet to "play the game" because I can't seem to get past this.....every single club I've worked at in sl it is all about the "in" crowd at that particular club - Who do the managers like??? What staff members like you or dislike you.....and the social group that controls the club - anyone who wants to disagree with me feel free but it doesn't change the truth - I've heard really bad dj's - i have to turn down the volume when they speak because I can't stand their voice - to playing the same songs over and over and over again (I guess some people like that) ....then there is the lack of professionalism - doesn't show up for their gig - shows up late - leaves or doesn't promote club or staff - events.......and yet these people get the prime shifts because they are "friends" with either the Managers or Owners.....and yes I know this happens in rl in jobs all the time....but its one of my biggest pet peeves because I take it as a job and I'm professional and people don't seem to value that......

Anyways......on to other things I learned.......

Damn well guess there isn't much else -lol- Same social shit different venues - its like a freaking merry go round and yet i get on the damn thing again and again ..............still looking for the wow factor .....the connections .....something to fill the holes ......and i'm going to leave this post with some lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Jewel - "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland" ....this is not the complete song but I've pulled lines out that just always resonate with me

"...We grow fat on fantasy - I guess that's why I'm leaving -I crave reality -So goodbye Alice in Wonderland-Goodbye yellow brick road-There is a difference between dreaming and pretending-I did not find paradise -It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting-What's been missing in my life........


....Yes a heart can hallucinate -If it's completely starved for love-It can even turn monsters into Angels from above...


...Growing up is not an absence of dreaming -It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold - And the ones that you've been sold- And Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie -Forgetting what you are -Seeing for what you've been told...

Yes, I know there would be a time when I would eventually get here to this topic. Some would wonder what took me so long. You see there is a persona of sorts or impression I tend to portray of being a sexual deviant. That the only reason I am on second life or in an adult chat room is for the online sex. I'm not going to argue with that because I do it on purpose. Obviously I do because I never hide behind the oh I'm really an innocent wearing barely any clothes. -lol- The avi's I wear in chat that are sexual in nature is for a purpose. I've learned the game. I've played the game for so long that I prolly could teach a class.............yah I've thought about that...but thats for another topic someday maybe - laughs-

I'm very overt and out there regarding my sexuality online. There a multitude of reasons of why I do it but I'll keep it to a simple answer for this late night entry:  in rt I'm a repressed never get any sex woman who really wishes I was getting as much as my avi/character does!!! -lol- I mean I am so much cooler online - grinz - I really do have the appetite that I give off I just haven't been able to get that much in rt.

So on to the real purpose of this entry: What makes an experience that is sexual in nature good??? For some people its all about actually masturbating and the end result of orgasm. Seems pretty simple right?? Wrong. There are so many shades of grey here and flavors in the rainbow so to speak. (Warning I'm typing late late so yah analogies will be flying)


Sometimes I want the orgasm but if I really just want to masturbate I'll watch a good short porn flick until I have to slide my fingers down to my wet sex and play until I get the release. Which btw for anyone curious doesn't take me that long. Now if I want to connect with someone on a deeper level its not always about the release. Creating a scene with words - building an emotional connection - where they have a physical reaction is very powerful thing. Think about it for a moment..............if you can make another person so aroused they are compelled to touch themselves or even I've heard that some can reach orgasm with out even touching themselves .....that is ..........erotic.......powerful......overwhelming.......yes???? Fuck yes.

Now can you do that by just saying...baby you look so good - I want to stick my cock in you - or I want to suck your cock - gawd that feels good - yes - I want to cum inside of you. If that works for you......more power to you -lol- It doesn't work on me. Actually I will say I might one of the most difficult people to actually reach me on that level. Yes I fake it pretty damn good - smirkles - Especially in words - I think I can make someone believe I am into it. -shrugs- Years of doing it. Seriously I've been "playing" this game for 13 years off and on and in the last 10 a lot. That much experience should make me good at it. -lol-

Anymore I've realized I can't fake it - yes I've finally gotten to the point where if I'm not into it - usually its when I've made really bad choices and hooked up with someone I just met and realized they don't have the skills nor the right attitude to get me off - I tell them and can't continue. Finally able to say you aren't doing it for me - instead of just going through the motions and then doing my best to never talk to them again -lol-

Ok so here a few tips: Don't describe how the other person reacts or type what they do - You might be able to type a great story that I find erotic - but if i'm not involved how is that personal??? Good online sex involves a connection back forth description of the emotions that are shared in the moment. Let your partner tell you what they are doing and how they are feeling. That makes it more real. The other tip - know your partner well enough to connect with them. Sure having random sex with a stranger on occasion can turn out to be highly erotic but usually - thats rare. Lastly, open honest communication about likes, dislikes, what triggers are turn offs, or what instantly makes you hot and bothered.

I know some are reading this wondering what my personal tastes are. What are my triggers?? What instantly gets me hot and bothered......-smart ass grinz - that you will have to learn like everyone else by spending time with me. What you thought it was going to be that easy???? - grinz-

Yah so I finally getting around to another post this one is a bit broad and I'll prolly cover a few different things - then again it might be all gibberish considering I'm typing this will only roughly 2 1/2 hours of sleep in the last 30 hours or so ......

Ok so in my thirteen years chatting I've realized that friendships online come and go - I know I'm jaded but this the pattern that I see. You meet people online that you consider friends....well lets put them into categories because as humans thats what we do. Society has taught us to do that and there are the same rules online of course with some differences online.

You have those people you chat with when you see them - being if they are not running in the same circles or chat venues that you won't seek them. They provide you something at the time. Entertainment??? Bantering Buddy?? Fuck buddies maybe?? Someone to vent to at the time?? Whatever it is but again you don't seek them out perhaps.

Then you have those people that you want to spend time with online - they make you feel better about yourself when you are with them. They stroke your ego and you would do the same. They understand you, they listen, they play, and all the other multitudes of adjectives. These are the special ones, and yet these also come and go. Anyone who has chatted more than a few years will tell you this is true.We care about these people and if you are lucky you have made the transition from "online" friendship to rl.

Ok so I've noticed somethings lately that just ...........make me question online communties in general regarding friendships....I'm going to give two examples: at chatropolis (regular chatrooms) popularity seems to be based on how well your avi is.....and who you make "friends" with....when I first started chatting there I wanted to be a "cool kid" and realized quickly that I need to get into the certain cliques by dressing well. Now  I will say I am an avi snob - can't help it I have taste -bol- In that kind of environment avi's get noticed and people tend to talk to those more if they have pleasing ones and there is a system to wearing them. For women the more erotic avi's the more you get attention and for all those that are going to say I don't go to an adult chatroom to have cyber sex are bullshit liers. If you didn't want the attention then stop wearing erotic sometimes even pornish images. -lol- I've also noticed this trend to wear other peoples names in your tags - now this is not the love/collar relationship type this is like claiming who is in your circle of riends - what is that?? seriously?? People have to show off or claim others like a gang?? I just don't get it .......

My other example is in second life. Ok so I've noticed that people put others in their picks........at first I thought it was just couples professing their love - blah blah blah - then I noticed a trend where people were putting their "close" friends??? Again I see this as kind of odd....if you need to publicly claim them in your profile, what is the purpose??

I'm sure there will be more later.....when I'm more functional.......

So many different ideas have been flittering through my brain regarding what I wanted to post here. Topics, specific opinions, etc etc etc........I tend to be like that easily distracted, with lots of ideas and then rarely do those ideas ever reach fruition because that takes actual work and being organized - those two words are very evil in my book -lol-

I figured I would begin with the reasons why people chat online or find themselves logging into second life. To be honest as the theme of this blog states: 99% of people have something fucked up in their realities. Bottom line. Because if you were living a full and healthy life then why would you come online and spend hours chatting and having this alternate life in SL? You wouldn't.

I know you are thinking that includes me. Of course it does. I will be the first one to tell you the reasons why I come online and its because of my insecurities with rt. Though I will say through the years some reasons have shifted but at the core of it is my inability to deal with the things wrong in my life and myself. It is so much easier to log in and pretend I have this amazing life then face the realities of my shortcomings.

I suppose this blog is also a way for me to deal with some of these things, however I have found naming them and realizing the why's doesn't make me change it. (Back to the work and organize words I so dislike). I am lazy and a procrastinator. Why fix something now when it can be done tomorrow?

If you would meet me in rt you would know that I am a very outgoing, friendly, and witty person who is fun to hang out with, and yet I find myself spending time at home online chatting.  I should be out living - doing - experiencing. What draws me to chat rooms and second life?

My answer is simple: it is easier to meet people in chatrooms than rt. It is easier to login to second life and do than walk out of my house and do. I realize most of you reading this will understand that in some degree however if you are not into chatting or sl you won't get it.

I prolly could go on with this but when my fingers stop and I start having to think about what I'm going to say is when I will stop.

Ok so I had been thinking of a place to post some of my opinions regarding chat communities and figured why not start a blog.

Here is a brief background of my online chatting experience so you know I'm not new to this.

I started chatting around 97-98ish. Don't make remember exactly my brain doesn't function like that. -smart ass grinz- I was 21 years old and actually stumbled into a chat room using my work's computer. I was hooked right away. I could be anyone I wanted. I could shed my insecurities and let my inner personality fly, and oh boy did she ever. I actually flourished from chatting. It gave me confidence in all areas of my life. It also turned into another way to escape from the realities I didn't want to deal with. Ok, I am not going to get started on all that but as you will read my opinions on chat communities varies and I think after thirteen years (off and on) I've seen and experienced a lot.

That first chatroom was very similar to the yahoo chatrooms - I don't even remember the name of it now. I moved on to a realm called FantasyCastle and made that my new online home. Now here was a place I could use my imagination and become something completely different. I could be anything and anyone I wanted in a fantasy type of role play. It was like being in a book (my other favorite way to escape is to read) but with interaction of other writers. I could connect with people in my fantasy they could interact take part build new fantasies. See how easy it was to get completely wrapped up in this alternate world. I was meeting people from around the world and learning. It was a time of sexual awakening for me as well. To say I was a late bloomer was putting it mildly but here was a place I could safely explore my sexuality, and explore did I ever. -lil impish grinz- Trying things online gave me confidence to be more active in reality as well. During those early years I think people would say I was much more adventurous, however; I also got completely sucked into the online world and let things in reality slip. Used to argue with my roomates regarding taking the phone line to be online to loosing a job over my online time as well. There were definitely some positive and negative outcomes to my chatting.

From FantasyCastle I moved on to The Park where I chatted mostly in a BDSM room called the Hidden Chamber. Now in the early days that room was filled with people who actually had experience in the lifestyle in rt. They didn't take any bullshit from wannabe's. I learned a lot by just being there and not talking much. Shit, I was scared to say a word. Yes, anyone who knows me I know is finding that hard to believe, but I was. The nickname I used of fairmaiden seemed to fit me during that time. There were times when I wasn't online for awhile - no computer of my own - only using the library access.

I did actually meet a few people from chatting. Met a good friend who ended up being my roommate for little awhile and a few dates here and there.

When the Park closed seemed many of the chatters were moving to other venues and the groups split up a bit. Some went to the Pork and I ended up at a small little place called Ties That Bind. This was run by a couple and I enjoyed the small group atmosphere and this is where I really blossomed out in my personality and actually where things started to change regarding my views on online communities. This is where I ended up changing my nickname to maia and thus have been ever since.

Many things happened at TTB that changed me as a person and my opinions and I'm sure there will be times where I go into some of the stories. I'll try not to use names. - grinz - I said try, geez. TTB ended up closing which wasn't a big surprise at the time and I moved to chatropolis. I went from a small little community to a much bigger pond. If anyone has ever been to Chatro they know what I'm talking about its a smorgasbord of adult sex chat that ranges from crude attempts at cyber to gateways to performing on cam. -chuckles- Then there are people who just want a place to interact with others for multiple of reasons. I found some rooms that I enjoyed hanging out in where I could be my witty smart ass impish self. At this point in my online chatting life I had ditched all pretenses of being anything but myself. I think much had to do with growing up, and the trying to be something I wasn't just didn't appeal to me anymore.

Then it seemed the new chatting fad was this place called Second Life. Not only could you interact with others in just words and pictures in a 2D room but here was a 3D world that attempts to create more realistic feel. Wait stop a second. Don't we want to escape reality when we chat? - grinz - Why not do it in a way that pulls you in even more. The first time I downloaded second life and attempted to try it I was confused and it was overwhelming to say the least. I hate things to be difficult and if it is I just don't do them. (Yes there will more about that later in my postings I'm sure - laughs-)

A friend of mine who btw was pursuing me very heavily at the time in chatro and msn talked me into trying second life again. This time he would spend the lindens and time to create my avatar, (I chose my first name and he chose my last with a little input from me), bought me clothes, shape, skin, hair, AO. So when I first logged in I was ready to go and did not look like a noob though I did act like it only a few times -lol- I am a quick learner so didn't take me long to get use to things.

I'm closing in on being on second life a full year. Which brings the history lesson to present and thus this blog has began....